Thursday, December 25, 2008

Things I learned this Christmas Eve

1. Pizza Hut is open. How do I know this? Because my grandmother decided to just order several pizzas instead of actually cooking a meal.
2. Several lessons were learned from my decision to cook. In an attempt to compensate for my lack of a home cooked holiday meal I decided to cook the turkey given to me by my work. This in itself was an experience, me being the novice chef that I am. Lessons learned: Apparently a thawed turkey is very slick and slimy, it has a slimy nasty plastic bag of I have no clue what and a long muscular thing stuffed into its body cavity. Pouring slimy marinade all over it before you put it into the Reynolds Turkey bag is not wise because then it becomes even harder to get the slick massive slap of wet poultry into the bag. The smell of turkey juice apparently sparks some primal urge in an otherwise perfect cat, which then goes on the hunt meowing hysterically and trying to trip you in the hopes you might drop the bird to the floor. The metal thing bounding the feet isn’t meant to be pulled out before cooking. It’s wise to arrange cooking bag so you can actually see the little red thingy pop out when it is done. There is a difference between a thermometer for food and a thermometer for a human. Next year I will be in line at work early to get a Tofurkey instead, I somehow doubt they will shove plastic bags of mystery gunk and muscular appendages into tofu.
3. Massive amounts of cleavage aren’t appreciated at holiday dinners. I’m sorry; I didn’t know it was a formal dinner, the ordering of the pizza made me think we were just hanging out.
4. Doubling your Zoloft dose on the day of family festivities is a wise decision.
5. Sending text messages during the gathering is frowned upon. Sending text messages to relative across the room and making them laugh hysterically is especially frowned upon.
6. When leaving gifts out from Santa make sure there is not a receipt stuck to one of the packages.

7 comments:

Braja said...

lol...texting relatives sitting opposite...yep, that's when you know things are grim :)

Nice to see you back :)

inflammatory writ said...

I learned all that about turkey as well. The giblets are NASTY, the turkey is slimy, and the feet are meant to be bound together. Took me a while to figure that out at which time I had to tie them together with string. And my cats went apeshit.

Callista said...

I know all about texting relatives sitting opposite of you... gotto learn to be more sly! Ha ha... sorry about the turkey fiasco!

jb said...

Hahahahahahaha...my mother made a 7 course meal. My sister got totally drunk out of her tree and knocked half the glasses of the table reaching for more wine like she needed more(oh she started to drink at 10:30am, dinner was at 6pm hahahah). Cell phones going off where really not apprecited. My uncle smiled for exactly a split second merry christams to that. Oh! how I love my famliy from Mars.

I didn't know Pizza Hut was open but, I know that Pizza Pizza was open here. I wished for about a minute,that I was with another family, but when I opend my eyes my sister fell out of her chair and landed on her ass and almost crushed my little 2 year old cousin hahahah maybe not so funny.

Merry Chritmas Tess, your not alone in all this festive season of family insanity.


Peace
JB

June Saville said...

You mean your five year-old son hasn't changed his spots since the Obama victory ...
You'll need to teach him the art of pragmatism.

Tenacious Tess said...

No he has not gotten over the fact that John McCain did not win. In fact the day my Obama victory sticker came in he said he couldn't bear to look at it. Such the drama queen.

Ashley said...

Good stuff!

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