Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Turkey Jerky Casanova

My mother called me last night on my way home from work and asked me to stop by Sam’s Club on my way home and pick up a mega pack of jerky treats for her dogs. Mom has two poodles and a Chihuahua that is so close to death flies are already buzzing around him. I don’t particularly care for the poodles because all they do is give a high pitched bark at every sound they hear, even if it is just the wind blowing. The Chihuahua I absolutely loathe. Someone dropped off this little dog at my mother’s house because they must have heard that she is like Mother Teresa with stray animals. She takes them in and nurses them back to health no matter how old or sick they are. I am a big animal lover and I am just about as bad as she is about taking care of a stray animal, but this particular one I could have said no to. He wheezes every time he takes a breath, his penis no longer retracts and hangs out all of the time, one of his ears has a chunk missing, and his eyes are so fogged up by cataracts he can only see out of a tiny area in the corner of one eye. He is constantly running into the wall or your leg because he can’t see and his hearing is not good either. He is also very ill tempered (which if I had all of his afflictions I would probably be just as mad at the world) and any time he runs into your leg he bites it. My mom took him to the vet when he first came to the house and they couldn’t determine his age for sure. They told her from the looks of him that he was probably very old and only had a few more months to live. That was five years ago. For five years I have endured small bites on my leg every time I go to my mom’s house. Needless to say I loathe the dog. So I was already ticked about having to get out in the thirty degree weather with high winds and snow to get jerky for two dogs that annoy me and one that is my arch enemy. After finally finding my way to pet products in the massive mega warehouse that is Sam’s Club I was ready to just grab the bag and go. I had just grabbed the bag and was starting to leave when a very skinny man approached me. He had long gray hair pulled back in a ponytail, a mustache, wearing old jeans and a flannel shirt. He said that if I really wanted my dogs to be happy I should give them all natural turkey jerky. I told him that they were not my dogs and what I had was fine. He then offered me a piece to try, saying that it was all natural and humans could eat it too. I began to think maybe he was one of the sample people that they always have in there trying to offer you a piece of food assuming you’ll try it, like it, and then buy it. I told him I didn’t need to try a sample and thanked him anyway. He then said that he wasn’t offering samples, he was just going to give me a taste cause I was so cute and then thrust his chest out and licked his lips. It was then painfully obvious he was coming on to me. Is this what I’ve been reduced to? Attempted seductions by hippies offering petrified meat as an aphrodisiac at a wholesale warehouse? I just rolled my eyes and walked past him. He then said “Hey Red, where you running off to?” To this I replied “fuck off”. The first time anyone has brazenly hit on me in months and it has to be Cheech and Chong’s distant cousin offering me turkey jerky. In the past I’ve been offered by men to have drinks bought for me, or dinner, but never turkey jerky. Exactly what kind of pheromones am I giving off to attract this type of man? Forget tall, dark and handsome, it’s now scrawny, gray and annoying. I checked out with my lone bag of dog treats and walked back out into the artic tundra to deliver the freeze dried petrified meat to mom’s freeze dried petrified Chihuahua and his annoying friends. This is my life.

12 comments:

Cora said...

Hee hee hee. Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one who gets hit on by repulsive fruitcakes. Think it's a redhead thing?

Talullah said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

June Saville said...

At least the man didn't bite your leg Tess!
I could sware he's related to one of the villains in the novel I'm serialising on my literary blog Journeys in Creative Writing. But then, I've probably now turned you off!
June in Oz

Strange Pilgram said...

Thanks for making me smile at your expense. I've been in a pissy effing mood all afternoon and I think you're post finally helped me to shake it.

I have to write "trache" to submit this comment... for fs sake.

Ok, maybe my mood is still simmering.

Strange Pilgram said...

Ha ha! Now it says "recortgu"

Ok... much better.

Braja said...

It could be worse.

I'm not sure how, I'd have to think about it for a long time. But I'm sure it could be worse....

And Cora? Yeah, it's a redhead thing. I'm also a redhead, and men might "prefer" blondes, they might "go for" a brunette, or they might "like" the jet black Cleopatra look, but men only "have a thing" for redheads.

LuckLys said...

hahaha! i had the same problem when i walked dogs over the summer. name a type of person, they probably hit on me. though new york men are notorious for that. i even had 2 mid-20 nerds ask the dog i was walking "hey, that's a pretty nice lookin' human you got there" complete with a wink at me. they were just lucky i had my sunglasses on, or i might have shot them dead with my evil eye.

that chihuahua sounds absolutely terrible though, haha! wear double socks...

R.E.II (The Missing Chapters) said...

My God, its a pleasure to be following your blog.

Here is a message sent to all the directors of Red Eyes2.

Dear director,
I am about to link you somehow into the story...nothing negative....this story will continue to unfold as long as you desire:
I think its more proper for you to choose who you would like to be rather than me forcing a label on you and also let me know what your limits are i.e. what you wouldn't like etc
The following characters have been taken:
1. michelle obama's niece
2. Michelle’s personal assistant
3. The psychologist
4. the light
5. the musician
6. the jazz pianist
7. the musician from argentinia
8. the mermaid
9. the jelly fish
10. jumpy the little frog
11. thom of the red rabbits
12. the biochemist
13. girl without shoes
14. the poet
15. former art school girl
16. rebecca the priestess
17. the german actress
18. the safety comissioner
19. the unnamed artist
20. the flying cat
21. barack obama

I need to rename the blogs under the title directors blogs..

Please let me know who you would like to be?

Hope to hear from you soon.

Best wishes

R.E.II (The Missing Chapters) said...

The red leather diary? I guess if you know anyone who wears jerky undergarments, it will release natural pheromones once the body heat and moisture kicks in although this is much better than my boringly interesting life.

R.E.II (The Missing Chapters) said...

Oh, and also sounds like chihuahua rescue!

Thanks ice princess, Ill fit you in under that name...

Callista said...

YIKES!

bernthis said...

It's now gotten to the point where I would honestly prefer to stay home and polish my floors then go out on a date.