Monday, October 13, 2008

To be, or not to be.

One of things that has changed about me is the amount of apathy I have toward other people. It’s increasing steadily, and has been for several months now. I just don’t care. I consider myself to be a very altruistic person; if someone needs help I will do everything in my power to help them. I donate money and time to charities. When my kids are grown I plan to start traveling with groups that help the medically needy in impoverished areas. I give money to homeless people. From these aspects I don’t think that I’m apathetic at all. It’s just everyday things that I don’t care for. It just all seems so trivial to me. I don’t want to hear about relationship problems or weight problems. I mean if you aren’t happy with whom you’re with leave them, if you’re fat put down the damn Twinkies. When I put on a little weight I either reduce my caloric intake or buy bigger pants. I don’t whine about the size of my ever expanding ass to other people. What are they going to do? Offer to pay for lipo? I don’t enjoy looking at pictures of other people’s children and don’t see why I should be required to feign interest when looking at them. This fact results in being called by the lovely term of endearment that rhymes with witch, but I’m just being honest. I like to look at pictures of my children because they are my children, and it honestly wouldn’t bother me if someone didn’t want to see their picture. I wouldn’t think of them as an asshole if they didn’t. I’m not any good at hiding the way I honestly feel. No matter how much I’m smiling and pretending to care my eyes are a dead giveaway that I truly don’t. They do say the eyes are the windows to the soul after all. It never stops either. Even when I say I’m not interested in hearing about something I still have to hear it, even after the person says they don’t even know why they bother talking to me. I don’t know why they bother either. It never ceases to amaze me. I guess they think that all of a sudden I’m going to care. If I didn’t give a shit the day before chances are good I’m not going to give a shit today. I don’t know why I’m devoid of my everyday conversation/people skills that I’m supposed to have but I am and I don’t try to deny this fact. To deny who you are to appease someone is essentially lying to that person. I guess I can either be a liar or a bitch. I’m apparently hardwired to be honest to a fault, so I guess I’ll have to go with the latter.


8 said...

You'd be surprised that most people go through the same thing you do.

People often complain about things they feel they can not control, but most certainly can control. (Your Twinkie example). Life isn't as interesting as they make it out to be when we are kids. It's pretty dull and it sucks to come to that realization.

On listening to other people, feigning interest is natural. We all have to lie and fake interest to get along in the world. It's part of human nature.

My favorite author personally responded to a letter of mine. In it he shared the following:

"You make big plans, and you'll get big results. It's too soon for you to be hedging and compromising your future. Your goal should be so big that it's never totally done, and continues to pull you into the future. Otherwise, the day-to-day crap of life will rush in and distract you. If anything, dream bigger."

Just keep your chin up and and don't let the day to day crap stop you from living your dream.


Adlibby said...

Me too! I totally get that & totally agree with your blog on this one Tess. (Not that you'd care.) Ha Ha Ha! I really enjoy your blog! =)

Braja said...

Holy crap, I coulda written that.

I think I'll visit you daily, you precious thing...

ps I found you thru Tallulah.